


No Absolution

by Infie



Series: On The Road [5]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 06:59:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Infie/pseuds/Infie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A memory sends Oliver reeling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Absolution

Oliver woke shaking. 

He was out of the bed, across the room, and vomiting into the hotel toilet before he was even completely awake. The image of his sword driving through Diggle’s chest, the thick meaty resistance as the tip entered through the pectoral, the slight hitch against his hand as the blade caught on bone; the vibration through the hilt as Diggle groaned his last breath. The sound of blood bursting from his mouth, the horrible smell of sewer and death as the sword punctured the stomach before he jerked it free… 

The smell of bile in his nose brought it all back even stronger and he heaved again, sides and ribs screaming in protest at the violence of his vomiting. Tears sprang to his eyes, and they weren’t entirely from the puking. 

A cold, damp cloth placed over the back of his neck told him that Felicity had followed him and he flushed even more with shame, that she could see him like this. Then it faded, though; of everyone in his life, ever, he wanted least to hide anything from her. He wanted her to know it all, good or bad. 

And this, well. This was bad. 

Finally he managed to catch his breath, sucking air carefully through his mouth as he spat repeatedly and hit the flush on the toilet. He leaned back a little and a glass of water entered his peripheral vision. He took it gratefully and rinsed his mouth, spitting again. She stroked her hand over his hair, soothing as much as she could, and he leaned his temple against her thigh. It was still mostly dark in the bathroom and he realized with muted relief that she’d only turned on the desk light, providing just enough illumination to see. The heavy throbbing headache behind his eyes made him even more grateful. 

“Nightmare?” she asked it softly. 

He shook his head slowly. “Memory,” he said. She rubbed her thumb in a circle on his neck in acknowledgement, but didn’t press. 

And because she didn’t, he started to talk. 

“Before I went to the League, Malcolm told me what to expect. He told me that R’as would put me through a pretty standard brainwashing cycle, and he did.” He took a deep breath. “One of the things he did was drug me.” 

Felicity sucked in a little breath but the rhythm of her hand over his hair didn’t falter. 

“The drug wasn’t a big deal at first, it just made things a little blurry, and… well. I spent a lot of time altered, before. Then we got to the final test.” He broke off, feeling his gorge rise again. “Felicity…” 

She knelt beside him, wrapping an arm over his shoulders and leaning her head against his. “You don’t have to tell me,” she told him, pressing a kiss to his jawline. 

“I do,” he said, sitting upright and turning until he could hold her hands, facing her directly. Even through the shadows of the dark bathroom he could read the concern on her face. “For the final test, it was a double dose of drugs and a round of training with Ra’s himself. Malcolm warned me that it would be harder, but that I had to proceed no matter what.” 

She nodded, her eyes intent on his face. 

“I told you, before I left, that I would do anything to protect my sister.” He blinked hard. “Ra’s brought a man to the training ground. The drugs… I hallucinated. I hallucinated Diggle. I killed him, Felicity. I drove my sword through his chest, and I watched him die, and I didn’t even blink.” He had to look away, unwilling to face her. She made a tiny sound and he realised that he was crushing her fingers in his. Immediately he let go, but she reacted fast and grabbed his hands before he could withdraw. 

“Oliver,” she whispered, anguished for him. 

“I killed that man like it was nothing, Felicity. No, I killed Diggle like it was nothing. It wasn’t him, but I didn’t know that when I killed him.” 

Felicity squeezed his fingers. 

“I keep remembering it. Stabbing him through the chest, rolling the body onto his back and seeing that stranger’s face.” His voice was hoarse to his own ears. “I have no idea who he was. He was a stranger.” He closed his eyes. “He could have been an innocent, Felicity. And I killed him like it was _nothing_.” 

“ _Oliver._ ” Felicity leaned forward and hugged him fiercely, holding him tightly to her and refusing to let go when he resisted half-heartedly. Giving in, he pulled her into his lap and held her back, burying his face in her hair. 

“I don’t know what to say,” she finally murmured against his neck. “There’s nothing I can say to make this better.” 

He let out a shuddering breath and nodded. 

“Your sister is alive, and Diggle is alive, and Ra’s will never make anyone do that to anyone else ever again,” she said fiercely. “And we are here, together, and that… that has to be enough. I’m still here, and I still love you. All of you.” 

“So the ends justify the means?” he asked, caught somewhere between sadness and curiosity. 

“No,” she pulled away enough to cup his face in his hands, “but it’s better than the alternative.” 

He kissed her palm and then eased them both to their feet, scrubbing his hands over his face. “Thank you,” he said, grabbing his toothbrush. 

Felicity waited for him to finish before asking, “for what?” 

He slid his hands into her hair and kissed her softly. “For listening,” he said, “and for being honest, and for not trying to make it all better.” She hummed against his mouth. “For being here, for accepting me with all my…all my ghosts.” 

She kissed him back and took his hand, leading him back to bed before clicking off the desk lamp and sliding in beside him, immediately cuddling close to his side. He turned his head so that her hair tickled his nose and all he could smell was her. He breathed deeply, feeling sleep start to roll over him. Telling Felicity hadn’t healed him, hadn’t changed anything, but he felt better anyway because she knew, because she knew and she hadn’t turned away. 

There was no absolution for his actions, and he knew that this memory would be visiting him again, and again, and again. 

But it wouldn’t be back tonight, and for now, that was enough.


End file.
